The Whackness
by MadebyPierrot
Summary: Kurosaki Ichigo is a just graduated from high school teenage pot dealer who forms a friendship with Dr. Bucket Hat, a psychiatrist and kindred lost soul. The doctor proposes Ichigo trade him weed for therapy sessions, the two begin to explore their own depression. While Ichigo works out his attraction to, Rukia, who's out of his league and Dr. Bucket Hat's not really niece.
1. Chapter 1

**Hiya! :X**

**Again! tehe~!...**

**And I'm here again to populate the archives with angst. :D**

**I originally wanted to do a fanfic version of a different awesome movie**

**but then I saw that someone already did.**

**That left me no choice but to do another adaptation. :)**

**Now if some of you are familiar with this movie and liked it**

**then that's cool!**

**So...I have had to change quite a lot of stuff for the original story**

**to fit into the bleachsphere...and...just to warn you guys out there**

**who are not familiar with the movie...that...**

**THIS IS NOT AN ICHIRUKI ROMANCE! :P**

**O.O**

**Yes, indeed my dears. **

**Now bug out those eyes and read.**

**This film have a special niche in my heart**

**and I've always like Ichi's and Kisuke's**

**weird understanding sort of relationship. :)**

**And so I give you my Bleach version of**

**The Whackness!**

**I think this came out way back in 2008.**

**If you guys haven't checked it out be sure you do now. XD**

**Cause it's mad awesome!**

**Also the hiphop mood...i kinda lost it somewhere...**

**so it'll just be not the background.**

**This is just the way I could make it all fit together**

**sorry if you liked that to be here somewhere... :(**

**And also...never think I hate Rukia as you go on reading. :)**

**Disclaimer: Kubo Tite (you dork!) owns Bleach (tm) I'm only using his**

**characters for entertainment purposes and I am making no money **

**from this at all. :D**

* * *

**The Whackness f.f. ver. 1.1**

* * *

**Karakura, 1994**

The room was plenty dim. Shaded would've been the term used by this old man sitting across from me to describe his own office. It was one of those classy, uptight kind of room. You could smell _old money _off of the furnishings. Chandelier hanging above my head, giving the room an added orange glow but not for more illumination or anything. One edge of the dusty carpet bunched near my sneakered feet from its restless, incessant prodding. Certificates and credentials lined one part of the wall to my left with bookshelves framing them filled with superior and intelligent kind of books. Probably with gold leaf pages.

Only one window was open and the sunlight spilling through was directed at this old-well half-old man leaning over his table, turning his pale blond hair almost silvery white.

"So what's on your mind, Kurosaki-san?"

I don't give a moment's pause before answering. "Nothing." But then I remember what I was there for and I go back a couple of paces. "I mean I could make some up."

"Fine." The half-old man steps into place with me just like that. Just like always. "Make something up then."

I shake my head, almost rolling it along with my answer as I nod in recognition. I saw that coming. "Okay." I pause again for a little bit, looking him in the eyes. "Well, I'm...I'm having trouble getting laid."

He looks down on his notebook before answering. "Common problem." He carelessly flips a page and asks me something we should already be clear about. "How old are you again, Kurosaki-san?"

"Old enough to be getting laid." I give him my best smug-satisfied-cock-sure grin. "I ain't gettin' older everyday."

"Have you ever gotten laid?"

I hesitate but my cock-sure grin never faltered. "I...two years ago I fucked Inoue Orihime at the park."

He narrows his eyes a little, his brows stitched in a thoughtful frown as he jots down all the shit coming out of my mouth on that notebook. With pouting lips which looks totally old man-like, he nods ever so slightly more to himself and that notebook than at me where he's supposed to be directing it.

I let my grin go down a notch before continuing. "But she had drank like two 40 ounces...and the cops came and broke us off before we-"

"So..." he starts to say as he looked up at me with something that's clearly a disapproving expression. "She was drunk."

Such a simple statement but he made it sound so...accusatory and not at the same time. I usually find trying to read his varied expressions challenging and suspicious but today he's even more confusing. It was completely impossible.

My smile fades off totally now. "Home girl weighs like sixty pounds and she drank two 40 ozs. of crazy horse." I stare ahead, affecting a deadpan. He's scribbling again, his head bent low near the notebook, his fountain pen going at it fast, fast, fast.

"Crazy horse." He's scribbling again.

"Look, Dr. Bucket Hat..."

"Call me, Urahara." he says it automatically as he gets eye-level with me again.

"Look, Urahara-san...Dr. Bucket Hat...how much you need, man?" I was shaking my head now. I want to get this over with.

His eyes widen as I caught him in surprise. And then he spoke in that annoying undertone of his that honestly just says: _Respect, kid. Hand it over. Like free will to your smart ass_. But he actually says, "You're the one who needs the some."

He's not backing down and I did not intend to find out if he's gonna want to keep pushing me to talk less shit around him. I push him instead. "How much?" I raise my voice without actually appearing too annoyed.

"A quarter." he answers without changing the look on his face.

I reach into my bag and feeling almost regretful of my earlier outburst I offer him something I never do just for anybody. "I can give you two-eights. It's the same thing." I show him the packet and place it on the table. He reaches for it immediately without meeting my eyes. He was calculating how much time it buys me. "That entitles you to another-"

"Forty-eight minutes." I finish the sentence as I watch his slightly mollified smugness make his face somewhat pleasant.

"Forty-eight minutes. If you go now you're getting ripped off." He sounds almost like a respectable practicing doctor of sound health and sound mind that he supposedly is. Damn reasonable to be exact.

"I'm just not feeling all this feeling shit today, Dr. Bucket Hat."

"Kurosaki-san, tomorrow's a very big day in your life. One of the biggest. Now look at you...there's just no joy you know."

I can't help the grimace about to break out on my face but my jaw was too tightly clenched I could hardly move another facial muscle. Instead I opted for an escape route. "Tell Rukia I said 'What's up.'"

"Uhm-hmm." He wasn't paying attention to me anymore but was busy in locating his bong. Which he produced not a second too late and a fancy lighter the next. I watch him for a moment as he went through the motions of lighting up the bong.

"Do you ever feel kind of like a fuck up...buying weed from the same dealer that deals to your niece?" the incredulity was almost out of my voice-_almost_ as I watch him light up the bong.

"She's not really my niece. We're technically nowhere near being related at all." He corrects me with his mouth inside the bong making it echo.

"Not really niece...Nowhere related at all." I echo again.

Then I get to thinking; his shit is probably worse off than any of us patients that walk through his door. It could almost make me smile to think he was really fucked up just like everybody else. More fucked up than even most inane people who pays for services like this. _Fuck_! I'm with a fuck bag who's trying to untangle me with reason no matter how much he actually does get through. Just to get my point across: _Fuck!_

"Later, Mr. Bucket Hat." I throw out the customary words of farewell as I sling my bag over one shoulder and made my way to the door.

"I'm a Doctor, Kurosaki-san." he chastise me, pulling his mouth off the bong just to make the point clearer.

"Dr. Bucket Hat." I repeat as I cross the room. The smell of weed permeates the stifling room just as I closed the front door. The lock catches and I'm standing under sunlight again. With one practiced motion I swipe the spliff resting on my left ear and lit up at the doorstep before I finally leave the premises.

. . .

_I met Dr. Bucket Hat in the spring when I was six and then again when I was fifteen. At that time first as a client then as a patient. At the beginning we didn't talk much about anything. I don't know why I kept seeing him to be honest. Sometimes it's nice to have someone to talk to. Even if you're just talking shit. He told me the drug thing was a cry for help, maybe he's right._

_I am Kurosaki Ichigo. I'm a drug dealer._

_Hear my cry_.

. . .

I make my way across the city to my hole of an apartment. I live alone. Music blasting, empty beer bottles, used up spliffs, ash on every identifiable surface. The entire room was in a state of half mess, half well more mess.

I peel off my shirt soaked with early summer sweat and threw it over the couch before going straight for the fridge to get an ice cold beer. I stay in front of the open fridge for a moment letting it cool me down.

When I turn back around this littered space shows up and just stares me in the face.

I'm alone again.

It hits me. It really hits me now that I was in here and the rest of the no-world vacancy slot is just out there. I'm not ever ready to jump in.

Clearing space on the already covered sofa I let my body fall onto its worn-down comfort. The lush softness of the cushions was a tenderness I needed.

The phone rings and I know who's calling but I don't pick up. I'll let them make the choice by themselves.

I turn the music up even more.

. . .

_I hate High School cause I'm a lone boy which is fine by me. Sometimes...it just gets lonely I guess. But I don't need High School friends. One week they're listening to ... the next they're listening to Pearl Jam. I'm not like that. I'm more...I mean I still listen to cassettes._

_But tomorrow my life changes. Tomorrow I graduate. And then I go to my safety school. And then I get older, and then I die._

. . .

The Graduation ceremony pass by like the heat. It was almost on us and then just go by us. When my name got called I could hear my Father sobbing from where I stood at the stage holding my diploma. But my youngest sister was crying along with him and without even bothering to seek them out I knew they had their arms around each other, while my other youngest sister barely acknowledges she came with them nor even be bothered by the fact that she's comprised of half of said bawling man's gene pool. They actually came for this and I don't even know what to feel about it.

One minute I was walking with my family and the next I was standing in front of Dr. Bucket Hat. And that I almost forgot to be true. He was accompanied by his wife, her dark skin a complete contrast to his almost too pale complexion. She was wearing a wide-brimmed straw hat and dark shades as she smoked away with a smile to our general direction. Everyone knew each other anyway so we just start throwing out random smiles in specific directions in five second intervals.

"Congratulations, Kurosaki-san." Mr./Dr. Bucket Hat exclaims in actual good humor.

"Where's your niece?"

"Not really my niece." his reply was barely an exasperated whisper.

Even while the words left my lips I see her petite figure coming towards us through the throng of families a cigarette on her lips as she took a quick drag. She smiles when she reaches us right on cue as she let her gaze roam over to my sisters flanking my either side. "Rukia." And that was that for introductions.

"All right team! Picture time!" just then my Father finally brought out the crazies as he pulled the camera man to our little gathering. _Snap! Snap! _Went the flash, blinding me but for a moment when I turned my head I see Rukia was looking at me with a half smile on her lips before she focuses on the lens, smoke issuing from the corner of her pretty pink mouth.

. . .

The after party. The graduation after party. I didn't know there was one until I was halfway in the room and I recognized the faces amidst the smoke and the dim lighting. If someone hadn't ran out of weed I wouldn't even find myself standing in this room where the party was particularly in full swing.

The exchange happens where all covert shit in underage parties happens: the bathroom. I don't even react when the guy shorts me. And this guy just happens to be someone who was Rukia's _someone_. I just nod when he says he owes me for covering for him. But he doesn't know I'm not doing it for him. And then he goes and says he's going somewhere with his boys this summer without mentioning Rukia at all. Fucking asshole...ironic to be a some kind of rich kid who don't have enough cash to cover himself over a hundred percent quality, subliminal...

I loose my train of thought as the bathroom door swing open and I am looking at Rukia again. Huh, twice in a space of eight hours. It's not even my best day.

"Ichigo." she mutters my name not with surprise but in a greeting kind of way.

"Hey. Rukia, what up?" I mutter back.

"All right." she fishes for something in her pocket which to me was mystifying how anything could've fit in there.

"You want some Ritalin?" she smiles a dopey smile.

"No,no..." I watch her snort up and then produce a tube of lip gloss who knew from where. Because compartments in the kind of jeans she had on seem ridiculous. She faces the mirror as she swipes the gloss over her lips and she graces a gaze to my reflection. "So what are you doing this summer?"

"Chillin'..." I watch her more before I finally drop my gaze to the tiled floor. "Making money, why?"

She doesn't say anything just kept applying more lip gloss. Hell she needs all that moisture on there what with all that smoking and snorting.

"What are you doing this summer?" I ask her in turn almost shyly.

"I'm interning...for one of Urahara's patients." she leaves it at that still with that smile on her lips.

"So it's just you and me this summer." I offer just cause I have to. And because partly I wanted to know what she would say to that.

She just gave a small shrug to say it doesn't really matter. I start to smile but then she opened her mouth and what came out made it freeze in a half grimace instead.

"But we'll never hang out."

. . .

I decided to drag it out along with the party. Music filled the open air. Feet dangling over the side of the graffitied wall smoking another spliff and just watching the people down there mingling. I saw Rukia dancing with her arms around _someone_ from the bathroom earlier. She was smiling another kind of smile now. She looks up and found my eyes again but her expression never changed.

The night sky was an expanse of black, the stars obscured by the bright city lights. The wind was nice up where I was. Smoke blew away the moment I exhaled. I take another swig of beer. It's good to be alone here while the party went on below me. I don't need that shit.

I stayed till daybreak. From my spot on the sofa, disregarding the enthusiastic couples making out around me I watch the sun rise. It was pretty the way the light broke through all those buildings. The contrast of shadow and the bright orange glow. I chance another glance before finally deciding it was time to get back to facing life but not before I finish my spliff.

_Another day. Another goddamn day._

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**Thanks for reading! :)**

**How did you find it? Reviews, comments, suggestions, reactions, admissions, inconsolable misery to how the story is? Please feel free to hit that button! You know which. :X**

**Well, until next time!**

**If you guys want there to be...very uncertain about this as always.**

**Much Love. :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hiya! :D**

**Alright...so I've been bored and didn't feel like writing like anything.**

**But lo and behold when this week ended I started writing like crazy!**

**And this was the first I finished editing...or er trying to make sense of. Tehe~!**

**Well then...here you go. :)**

**Actually I'm almost done with this cause it's all prepped beforehand**

**it being a movie and not my original story. But I've tweaked it**

**a tiny bit to make it more of my version. :)**

**And an exercise to stop my control-freak writer tendency. :D**

**Enjoy. :)**

**Disclaimer: Kubo Tite (you dork!) owns Bleach (tm) I'm only using his**

**characters for entertainment purposes and I am making no money **

**from this at all. :D**

* * *

**P.S:Thanks to Notorious B.I.G. for inspiring me to write the beginning of this chap.  
**

**So yeah, when I said the hiphop thing got lost...**

**I think I just found it. :D**

**NieveDrop- Hi! Yeah, thank you. :) I just installed my MS Word**

**and it totally butchered this chapter. :D I also misspelled a few things. tehe~!**

**But it was fun writing without a constant grammar-magistrate a.k.a myself and MS Word! :P**

**WordPad just ain't cutting it in the proper grammar and spelling department.**

**I re-edited this the right way so I hope the coast is a wee bit clearer.**

**Hey, thanks guys for all the reviews/comments/favs & Alerts so far.**

**Means a lot. ^^.**

**Only two more chappies to go. So look forward to them. **

**Much love. :)**

* * *

**The Whackness f.f. ver. 1.2**

**June, 1994**

This lonesome loneliness could definitely kill. So will the temperature that just kept rising and rising. The man on the news just said a hundred degrees today. I could feel it without taking a single step out of my apartment. This ain't the day to be getting out there but my alarm blares out and begs to disagree. I reach over and slap it off and the silence creeps out of its hiding place.

Sorry but lone boy can't stay in today. I got a hot date with my supplier.

It's cool the place where he holes up. One of the clichéd gangster types: a warehouse. Steel doors, henchmen with AKs looking down at you from the tip of their noses, muscles bulging, doing jumping jacks. 311 blaring from the boom box. I go in for more supply and I go out with a new mix thrown in.

All the method to madness shit and I am trying to undo all my fucking issues. But I got no time for my own shit cause I have got to deliver to people who needs for something to take care of _their_ own shit. So I make my rounds of the city.

We shake hands to effect the exchange and I feel more than a little self-serving that I was in a somewhat better place than they were: on the other side of the looking glass.

I almost forget that I was the same as vital parts, limbs, loosing feeling.

And then I am back in that room and I'm facing Dr. Bucket Hat's rare thoughtful expression. And I lose all feeling of fronted self-satisfaction. The cracks on the side of the glass shatter revealing the illusion as a vision. And I'm back in my fucked up reality.

Today we are facing each other without the customary desk between us. We are facing each other with me stretched out on the day bed near the book shelf where his arguably more stressed-out patients lie down to relax while Dr. Bucket Hat sat on my usual leather chair with his fingers steepled lightly; tips to tips.

"Dr. Bucket Hat, do you prescribe medicine and shit?" I almost hesitate in asking but I have to. I have to get more variety to liven up the market. But he doesn't need to know that. No, no.

"Of course. Why do you ask, Kurosaki-san?" his expression was a sort of a blank but not quite. It was a little bit of earnest like; 'I'm listening well so tell me the problem' sort of look. Just with the way his forehead is bunched up, he's asking for a lot out of me today. Or maybe it's just my guilty conscience.

"What's for me?" I ask with as much innocent curiosity as I could pack without cracking under the pressure of his gaze.

"No shit." he still had on that look but now his eyebrows are raised. Surprise, surprise!

"I think recently I've been depressed." I make direct eye contact, then letting my gaze flit here and there to affect the disturbed, drug dealer. "I don't sleep good...I think too much."

Dr. Bucket Hat inhales noisily. "Kurosaki-san you ever hear the saying: 'The unexamined life is not worth living'?" He's unusually somber with brows furrowed as he leaned forward from the chair.

"Yeah, maybe the examined one isn't either." I was too involved with this asking and not asking that I could probably forget that I was in there to be asked myself.

"Oh no, come on. Don't talk like that." He sounded almost solemn as he shifted on his seat and fell back against the backrest. "Is this something to do with Kurt Cobaine?" He was actually serious but I cut him short.

"Look the point is...who says it's all got to be fucking sad like that you know?"

"Is there...something going on with you?" Now he sounds concerned more and more leaning forward to me.

"Yeah, of course something's going on. Isn't this what you get paid for?" I didn't mean for it to sound like I was auditioning to be a ten year old and he got the balls to look a little embarrassed for even asking it out loud. I've got to give him that.

"Man do the things they want to do to become the man they want to be. Do you understand?" He was trying to be patient with the patient and my mouth is once again hanging open with that reply. Now _that_ I never would've seen coming.

"Sure." I said lamely.

"And that includes asking for help." He leans back farther onto the chair, waiting. Waiting, _waiting_. He isn't expectant, just calmly sitting. I even forget that he doesn't have his notebook and probably not jotting down this shit that had a stink all on its own surpassing all other unsavorable shit that ever hit the bottom pile.

"It's my...it's me." The reluctance was thick in the sound of my voice. But it was all out in the open now. And I wanted it to be the truth as far as I can recognize it. Because I almost lied and said I did not want to be a teenage drug dealer anymore. That I wanted to cleanse the impurities from this young adolescent body and be one with the faithful. But who the fuck am I kidding here. I sure can't lie that well to myself.

"There you go." He not quite jumps from the chair but he looks more energized than I've ever seen him in any of our previous history together in this room. "Life has a funny way of turning you into the one thing you don't want to be."

I did not want to hear sage sayings that hits too close for comfort. Everything stings.

"My life sucks." I state. "I swear it sucks."

"Kurosaki-san!" He exclaims my name with surprise and something I couldn't recognize. "Do you have any idea what I would give to be you again? Not you specifically but _me_ at your age. Doesn't get any better!"

"Tell me that's not true." I start to shake my head. I was getting even more confused than if he just suddenly declared he was cheating on his wife with a man. Incredulous but still up for debate.

"Ah, you're fucking living, Kurosaki-san. It's great! Living!" He punctuates every exclamation mark with a tightening of a very threatening-looking fist. "Get your heart broken, find yourself face down in the gutter. Get your balls up, make a real mess of your life, son!"

"Is this what you tell all your patients." I don't say it like a question but it could be.

"You're sad. There's a difference." He says it like there really was supposed to be a difference. He's looking at me like he knew exactly what that difference was.

"No. I'm depressed. I'm totally depressed." I couldn't tell anymore who I was really convincing at this point because the slab of marble that I've visited in my dreams last night was back again. The name and the words below them was a non-stop running commentary in my head. Soon I'll have to come face to face with it, incense smoke making me choke.

He stares at me like he's disappointed with the words coming out of my mouth. But I don't have all day to talk him up to it and I am quickly losing every inch of equilibrium I've managed since I sat down. "Just give me those happy pills and we can call it a day!"

He stands up abruptly without bothering to spare me another glance. "Sorry, Kurosaki-san. I can't do that."

I have my mouth hanging wide open now brows furrowed on a full on frown. "And...and how do you suggest I deal then?"

He's made his way back to his table, both palms flat over the surface. "I suggest you talk about it with a friend."

"Like I said I don't have any friends." The words come out with a sneer. None left that would even look at me now.

He looks away for a moment then finally locks eyes with me very steadily. I should've _seen_ this one coming.

"You have me."

My mouth stays open, "Great."

. . .

I march out the front door but not fast enough and knelt down in front of the cart I was fronting for my business. I was just unlocking the chain keeping it parked near the side walk when I hear my name called. I didn't even notice her approaching. I stood up quickly, brushing stray hair off my eyes and my gaze fell on the leash on her hand and to the little fluffy white dog attached from its collar.

"Yo, Ichigo." She stops in front of my cart, the dog sitting obediently on the pavement next to her feet.

"Yo, Rukia." I smile a little before pointing to the dog. "Who's this?"

"This is Jesus Christ. A Registered Emotional Companion." she said it in her usual matter-of-fact tone of voice with a little smile. I nod along with every word she uttered and forget about the part that the dog is a _registered_ E.C. which ought to speak for itself. I should rent me one of those.

"But I can guess what you're doing here." Now she's the one shaking her head immersed with a different thought entirely.

"Yeah, he paged me." I jerked my thumb to the direction of the house I just came out of.

"The dude smokes more weed than I do. It's pathetic."

"Do you like him?"

"Urahara-san? No, not really." She smiles a smile that totally contradicts her earlier statement.

I just keep nodding. I was too busy staring at her smile I never even saw her next words coming.

"You should hear about the crazy people that come into the guy's office." Her voice was light, casual even. She was just making conversation. But I freeze all over. My shoulders tense, my neck muscles practically bunched up as I wait for her next words. When she didn't say anything I had to make my mouth move so I can ask her how she knew about that.

"He tells you about that shit?" I applaud myself for the calm way I was speaking.

"Yeah."

"I mean...he's not like supposed to tell you, right? Like there's confidentiality or whatnot?" I could not believe this shit. Fucking Dr. Bucket Hat just tells random people about his fucking crazy patients. And I just had to hear about it from Rukia of all the possible random people.

"Yeah. He told me about this one guy who-Jesus Christ, no!" Before she could finish what she was saying we both heard it. The sound of pee hitting pavement and then we saw where it was shot: the tire of my cart was now glistening with fresh warm dog pee.

"I'm sorry about that..." she looked flustered now as she gently tugged on the leash urging the dog to move away from the cart.

"It's all right." I was still staring at her sheepish smile.

"Is this yours?" She was taking a closer look at the cart while keeping Jesus Christ away from it at the same time.

"Uh...yeah. This is my summer job." I did not fucking sound like the loser that I am-at all.

There was a pause as she tried not to burst out laughing or bust out a rude snarky comment. She opts for polite incredulity. "You sell ices?"

"No. That's my cover." A grin spreads across my face as I approach the cart. "Check it out." I opened the top while cautiously looking around if anyone was nearby as she peered in.

She gasped before quickly looking up at me. "Oh shit! That's a lot of green!" She was grinning now. "So you just...how does it work?"

I look at her for a moment and decided she actually _was_ curious. "Can I show you?" A hopeful smile betrays my cool.

Her eyebrows rose but the smile never left her lips. "Sure. Let me drop the dog off."

"Sure." I watch her go still not believing what was happening, what was about to happen. I lick my lips unsure somehow. But anticipation just covers it up.

. . .

We take the route through the park. She walking beside me and me pushing the cart all casual like I was actually selling real ices. Its funny how being this close to her makes me so relaxed I haven't even lit the spliff of the day yet.

"I'm not gonna get arrested am I?" Her voice jerks me slightly from my perch cause she actually sounded worried.

"Just act calm and follow my lead." I look her in the eye with a smile and after a second she smiled back. "That's her."

I keep pushing the cart over to where a tiny girl was dancing to the beat of tribal drums. Long strawberry red pig tails flying off every direction as her arms made slow arcs above her head, round and round on sandaled feet.

"Hi, Ichigo."

She stops her wild dancing to stand beside the guy still beating on the drums and gestured with her cigarette wielding hand, "This is Shinji. We just ate mushrooms." The guy gave them a nod of greeting as he pounded on his drums with a wide predatory grin.

"So how much did you guys need again?" I ignore the words she just said and she does the same to me.

"We met at the sea side." she stopped dancing all together and took a long drag off her cigarette. "And it felt like...when you take ecstasy when you're with somebody really...meaningful to you..."

"Euphoria." Rukia called out from my side as she carefully watched this slideshow unfolding.

"What?" the girl turns to Rukia with a half-surprise look on her face as she exhales smoke into our direction.

"It's called euphoria." Rukia repeats a little more clearly.

"Euphoria...eu-pho-ri-a!...euphoria!" the guy called Shinji started beating his drums a little louder as he punctuated each beat with every syllable of the word he uttered. The girl beside him started her dancing again and made a heart-shape in the air with her fingers as she smiled languidly.

Rukia and I exchange glances.

"Did you do something with your hair?" The girl asks as she pointed at me then to her own hair.

I shake my head ruefully not changing my expression of masked confusion. "No." As far as I can tell it was still the same shade of orange it was the day before and the same messy spikes it's always been before. I blame the damn mushrooms. She's way, way, way over the rainbow.

"You look cuter." She gives me a full blown flirty smile.

I give the girl a perfunctory smile as she took another drag off her cigarette. Rukia's voice reminds me to get back to business. "There's like cops around. So...can we do this?" She looked carefully around, face serious.

After the exchange the girl started dancing around again. Spinning in crazy circles, cigarette held aloft. The sound of tribal drums and straw slippers slapping the pavement drowned by the traffic as we walked farther away.

. . .

The next stop I should've issued out a warning to Rukia but I didn't realize I had to. I usually just slip in and slip out during these transactions. But then again the start of this day wasn't exactly how my usual runs go by way of normalcy.

I had to knock a few times just to be sure she heard me from whatever haze she was in on the other side. Then finally her voice came out, slightly muffled by the door. "Ichigo? Who's the girl? Is she a cop?"

"No." I leaned down to peer at the peep hole. "This is my friend, Rukia." I glance at her for a moment. "Rukia this is Lisa."

"Hi. Nice to meet you." Rukia does a little wave.

There was a muffled "Hi..." as the locks gave way and the door finally opens."Come on in."

I can't help the bemused smile from showing as I step first into the room. Lisa stepped further in to let us pass and gesturing with her cigarette she waves it to Rukia's direction. "She's hot."

I just let my smile widen just a little bit.

The room was bathed in soft light. It was very vintage 80's chic, record player near the door with the records all stacked neatly. A guitar sitting on the corner reading chair by the window shaded with gauze-like curtains.

"I'm sorry about the cop stuff. You know...the stories you hear. You can't be too careful." She kept talking as she settled back on the bed in the middle of the room and adjusting a tiny black holey cardigan over her silk nightie. We just stood there side by side as we wait for her to finish telling us all the shit she just has to get out.

"So I had to do this today though because I have this guy coming into town tomorrow. And we don't have anything to talk about unless we're stoned." She paused to take a drag. "But if we're stoned in bed he's like...he's a really nice guy." She smiles a crooked smile as she adjusts her eyeglasses higher the bridge of her nose.

My smile is already almost at its limit and it already hurts to keep it in place but I stand there just humoring her. I glance at Rukia behind me and caught her averting her head as she tried to stifle a laugh and bit on the grin spreading on her lips. When she looked back up she had on a blank look on her face.

"Ichigo, can I ask you something? Just for a sec..." Lisa apparently did not notice anything amiss. She just kept right on talking. I nod for her to go on. "Why are men so complicated?" She pauses for a moment. "Is it because I'm intimidating? Am I intimidating because I play an instrument?"

I watch her take another careful drag off her cigarette and consider what I was going to say to that.

"No..." I falter for a bit as something she said actually registered. "You play an instrument?"

"No, I know...I forgot you don't know anything about me." She was looking at her lap as she spoke with a tiny corner smile on her lips.

"I mean...I don't even need to know anything about you, Lisa."

But like she had been doing since we came in, she completely ignored what I just said and kept right on talking. I just stay silent fidgeting just a little and wondering what Rukia must think of all this...

"I played in a band in the 80's." She still wasn't looking up even as she kept smoking. "Well in '82 we were really big."

I had just opened my mouth not really knowing what to say anymore when she directed the conversation to Rukia who was looking around the room. "What about you...uh, Rukia right?"

Rukia turned at the sound of her name.

"You must have some insight to the mind of men. I mean he must be a handful so..." Lisa was gesticulating with her cigarette again.

I gave a vigorous shake of my head, blinking a few times to clear the sudden image that popped into my mind."Oh...we're not...that."

"No...we're not like that..._that_." Rukia had that smile on her face that says: _What the fuck?! But I won't be a bitch that's why I'm smiling at you real nice like this right now._

"I think you're really beautiful and you have really good chemistry. Don't you think you should try it once and just see how it feels?" Lisa had on that look like Dr. Bucket Hat often has. That eerie calm and reasonable look. But the situation just got way off the rails and I even wonder that we're having any kind of conversation at all.

"Lisa. I could just like sell you some weed. We can leave it at that." I offer just so she would just stop. Not embarrassing at all. I could already feel my cheeks burning.

"Oh, yeah. Okay." She pauses again to think how much she needs. "A quarter of bubblegum."

My smile returns as I reach into my bag and Rukia and I share another stiffly awkward glance. "Yeah."

We exchange weed for money. "Okay, we're good."

"Thanks." Lisa murmurs. "Yeah...and the door when you shut it it just locks." She was already preoccupied by a paperback as we hurriedly made our way to the door and I don't bother to not slam the door on the way out in my haste to put distance between me and that beyond awkward atmosphere brewing in there.

Lisa took another drag as she turned a page, "Thanks you guys."

. . .

Back in the streets as we neared Rukia's apartment walking in less than ideal silence, she offered the one thing I've never actually got the balls to ask her before.

"Ichigo, you should take my number. Okay. Call me some time."

I turn to face her as she rummaged inside her bag for pen and paper but her words hadn't registered yet so I'm in the middle of looking like a complete idiot. "Call you?"

"Yeah."

Then something clicks but not quite. "You mean for weed?"

"No, man. To hang out." She clears that out by staring me right in the eyes before she continued to write out her number. "The city can get so lonely when there's nobody to talk to."

I just look at her like finally I had a chance handed out to me. I couldn't help but smile at that. Then she dropped the bomb.

"I think we could be friends."

She was still busy writing so she didn't see my smile slip as I look away for a bit. "Friends?"

"Yeah, friends. You know like homies, buddies, amigos." She rips the paper from the pad and handed it to me. "Just take my number okay?"

I look at it with my smile starting up again. "Alright. I'll definitely call you." When I look up again the doorman was already letting her inside her building. I pocket the piece of paper securely and hurriedly left. No point in prolonging the mixed agony and ecstasy by ogling empty space in front of a perfectly respectable neighborhood.

Still I'm not quite sure I should be trusting her words nor what she does actually mean by us hanging out...together...for the summer.

* * *

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	3. Chapter 3

**Hiya! :)**

**I know I've been writing mostly in Ichi's POV but  
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**now we get a little from Urahara. hehe...**

**Yeah, we'll be hearing from them both from now on. :D**

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**The Whackness f.f. ver. 1.3**

**July, 1994**

After finishing a glass of brandy while standing over the rooftop overlooking the city, watching the sky grow darker, there was something that urged him to do something unexpected tonight. Urahara Kisuke had been thinking of asking his wife something he had not done with her for a long time as he sat down on the sofa next to where she was daintily sitting in front of the computer smoking a cigarette, her reading glasses low on the bridge of her nose as she peered at the screen while she typed lazily on the keyboard.

"Such a beautiful evening." He began with a smile. "What are you doing?"

"It's a charity thing." She exhales smoke as she glanced at him, an affectionate smile on her lips before she focuses back on the screen and began typing again. Sometimes he forgets she's a social butterfly and that she was always involved with typical blue blood elitist shit he doesn't really care to know about.

"You wanna go out?"

She looks at him with incredulous surprise her smile slipping, "Out?"

"You know _out_." He started in a calm and collected manner. "Grab a drink, chill."

"It's a tuesday night." She gave a shake of her head, her expression becoming more and more incredulously confused. "I'm almost forty."

"Two. You're forty-two." He jabs his finger in her direction as he corrected her in a tight voice before he abruptly leaves her to what she was doing.

. . .

Rows of yellow orange plastic bottles all with his name on them. His very own plethora of prescription meds to get him up and ready every morning. He takes the one right next to Valium. The bottle labeled: Lithium and popped one in his mouth and washed it down with tap water.

He closed the cabinet refusing to look at his reflection, even as he brushed his teeth. Letting his eyes roam all over without ever once letting them rest on anything at all. All sort of crappy assed bullshit running through his mind. And how his wife never really looks at him with anything on her expression anymore. Like he was a piece of furniture, nearly forgotten and soon to be discarded.

. . .

The heat has actually become unbearable and I welcome my sessions with Dr. Bucket Hat more and more. Lazing in his air conditioned room was far better than melting on the sidewalk or even in my own apartment.

"I've been thinking about your dilemma a lot recently, Kurosaki-san."

I can't help but be amused by that. Especially the overly dramatic way he pronounced 'dilemma' like it was an especially exquisite piece of candy he gobbles up like multivitamins. "What's my 'dilemma'?"

"The girl thing." He answers without hesitation. "Kurosaki-san, back when I went to school drug dealers had no problem getting girls. In fact that was why I always wanted to be one."

"Were you popular in high school Dr. Bucket Hat?" I narrowed my eyes as I asked. Frowning at the extra-seriousness of his expression.

"Well...I...wouldn't say popular. I was one of those intellectual kids if that's what you're asking." He reclines comfortably on the edge of his desk where he was leaning with his hands inside his trouser pockets. "I was president of the science club, I was vice captain of the kendo team."

"Did you ever wanna kill yourself?"

"Not till much later." He gave his answer without hesitation.

"Then you must've been popular." I raise both my arms over the back of the chair I was sitting on with my feet propped up on the ottoman. "I'm not."

"This has got nothing to do with being popular, Kurosaki-san. You're just not trying hard enough."

I look away in obvious disagreement.

"You must think about it, the different scenarios. Random sex in phone booths, chance encounters in discos, the way they smell, the things they say...even when they say nothing at all." He was rambling while staring up at the ceiling.

I gave an exasperated sigh as I look at him in disbelief. Too damn much information.

"I mean...I'm married so I don't contemplate that kind of thing." He says flatly as though half chastising and half mocking himself in front of a kid who caught him telling a barefaced lie.

I had to smile at that. "No. Of course not." A secret between men. I smile wider. We make eye contact before he shook his head a few times as if to clear it of the thoughts populating his mind a few seconds ago. I look down on my lap the same time his gaze wanders to the other side of the floor.

"Surely there must be someone, Kurosaki-san." He says after a moment when no one cleared their throat to interrupt the wistful silence that just ensued.

I look at him a little guarded as he met my eyes again. "Yeah...there's one girl."

He leans forward, thinking progress. "That's fantastic, Kurosaki-san!" He actually looks excited. Too excited. "Who is she? Does Rukia know her?"

"No." I answer quickly with a short shake of my head. "No, she uh...she doesn't go to Karakura High."

"So what's the problem?"

"She just wants to be friends." I say that as I echo Rukia's earlier sentiments and the feeling of rejection it brought still fresh in my mind and it comes out all dejected.

"What makes you think that?" Dr. Bucket Hat voiced out in obvious disagreement to that statement.

"She said so." I use my finger to make the point stand out more.

"Make her like you, Kurosaki-san. That's what I did with my wife." He gets to his feet and walk over to the chair I usually occupy to lean over the back rest.

I let my feet fall to the floor so I can twist to face him. "How did you do that?" I was now very curious how someone like him could have someone like Shihouin Yoruichi as a wife.

"Be her friend, confide in her, earn her trust." He pauses for a while, gesturing with his hands. "Then when you're least threatening to her grab her and stick your tongue so far down her throat she starts to gag from pleasure."

He says all this with a straight face and I know he means well but I can't help the skeptical but completely bemused grin with my mouth hanging open with the explicit absurdity of his advice. I decide to cut him some slack.

"Can I grab her tits too?"

"Baby steps, Kurosaki-san."

I look down and actually realize he was fucking serious. "Right."

"Pursue her, Kurosaki-san. You're at the perfect age for it. You haven't been systematically numbed to the allure of romance. You still have your youthful..." He made punctuated disgusting 'oomphs' that was totally freaky to watch.

"I got it." I get out just so he would stop with the disturbing action and soundtrack.

"Young men needs sex, Kurosaki-san. All men actually." He hesitates for a moment but decided to offer anyway. "I...I can get you a hooker if you like."

"God, I was _this_ close to respecting you."

"Big mistake, Kurosaki-san." He points a finger at me as if to imply it was my fault for thinking it at all.

"I'll call you a girl." He turns his back to me to pick up his bong and I stood up to get my bag with a heavy sigh. "You don't need medication, Kurosaki-san. You just need to get laid." His bong bubbles up noisily as he lights it. I just shake my head with a little smile as I head out. This session did not go as I had planned. It just made me realize how much fucked up we both are at the exact moment I realized he was right about everything he said.

. . .

Back in my apartment, sitting on my bed I light up a spliff and stared at the piece of paper Rukia wrote her number on.

I contemplate, still waiting for a decision.

I let the smoke filter through my brain. Digest desires.

. . .

Urahara had just taken a sip of his drink as he stood on the balcony when he caught sight of his first victims: a couple walking home from a date all decked out in nice evening clothes. When they both reached the perfect spot right below him, he released a water balloon which exploded upon impact on the pavement and splattered their feet with water. The couple leapt aside in surprise and hurried on forward for fear that more would follow.

Chuckling mischievously to himself as he watched them run away, Urahara Kisuke set down his almost empty glass and reached for the phonebook and was just about to throw it over when the phone rang. He hesitated a moment still on the act of dropping the heavy book then decided to answer it when he remembered he was the only one who could.

He swept past the room where his wife was having a massage and picked up the phone not even caring how she deliberately covered herself up as she exclaimed his name in surprise and incredulity.

. . .

I took a drag while waiting for someone to pick up on the other line. It took about three rings.

"Hello? I uhm...I'm looking for..." I kept trying to change my voice but the person on the other line still recognized it.

"Kurosaki-san?"

Goddamn, Dr. Bucket Hat had picked up my call!

"Kurosaki-san, is that you?"

"Dr. Bucket Hat..." I had to control the light anxiety in my tone coming across to the receiver. But apparently he had other things in mind to care about technicalities.

"Its okay, Kurosaki-san. I know why you called."

I took another drag. "You do?" I don't know if I was relieved or if I might have gotten myself into same major dung-hole by now. But Dr. Bucket Hat proved me wrong to provide me with the last thing I could be thinking of right now off the top of my head.

"The pussy quest. I can help you, Kurosaki-san. Let's grab a drink. I got just the place."

I think for a moment if I was up to it. But seeing as I had no other option and there was something awfully suspicious about the expectant tone of Dr. Bucket Hat's voice as he lathered on his proposal. I couldn't possibly say no to that kind of tone. That would be too inhumane.

. . .

I don't even know the name of the place we were in but it looked as though it'd been in business for too damn long. There was a jukebox behind us where we sat by the bar near the door. It was quiet with dim lights, smoke was thick in the air and the patrons were mostly _old_. Not just any kind of old but the washed-out-hippie kind. Like the man sitting beside me with a ridiculous striped green and white bucket hat on top of his head.

"Strange..." Dr. Bucket Hat observes as he looked around the room. "This place used to be packed."

I watch him, how his eyes held this new sadness. If it was the rundown state of this bar or something else I know nothing. I take another swig from my beer. I ain't the one trying to figure the other out.

"The city's not the same anymore, Kurosaki-san. This place used to be...really...there used to be something down here. The drugs, the girls, the music..." He pauses for a while and closed his eyes as he fisted both hands, remembering that time gone by. "The _fucking_ music..." He sounds extremely sad and extremely wistful which his panda eyes reflected.

"Speaking of which..." He stood up and went to the jukebox to choose a song. I watch him punch in a series of number while taking another swig of beer. He taps both sides of the machine as the song starts to play. I can't help but smile at the sight he made: an over-grown slightly muscular man-child trying to bring back something lost.

"What kind of music do you like, Kurosaki-san?" He asks me the moment he sat back down on the bar stool.

"311...Notorious B.I.G..."

"I don't know much about that stuff..."

I look at him and an idea pops into my head. "I can make you a mix tape."

He turns to me with a slight nod, "I'd like that." After a moment he shares the same thought. "Maybe I'll make you one too...some Bowie, maybe a little Pink Floyd. Some classical...Brahms, Haydn."

"Yeah, Haydn's dope." I say back without a pause.

He looks at me all suspicious like. "You serious?"

"No, Dr. bucket Hat." I give a small solemn shake of my head as I answered.

He turns his gaze back on the bar. "Hey, Kurosaki-san...why couldn't Mozart find his teacher? Because he was _Haydn_."

Without missing a beat I shake my head again, "That's not funny." I tell him with fierce seriousness but he guffaws in that annoying way away anyway. "Order me another drink please."

"Another Bud...right here." He taps the space in front of me as he calls to the bartender who opens a bottle without a word and took my empty bottle away.

I take a careful drink this time, letting the buzz grow. Because I probably need it if I was going to be spending the rest of the evening with Dr. Bucket Hat with this new strange hanging out thing we got going here. This getting to know one another over beer and old school 70's punk music as background in a dimly lit bar was strictly unchartered territory. And then he opens his mouth and all these words come out I wasn't supposed to hear.

"Kurosaki-san, I hate my wife."

We both stay quiet for a few seconds. At least that sounded not so much as news to me by now. Maybe it was the sadness, the anxiety he kept covering by smoking more pot and then some.

"I hate my life." I concur.

"I need to get laid."

"We both need to get laid." I amend as we both stare face forward, shoulders stiff and totally jaded. Dr. Bucket Hat caved in first, letting his forehead fall on his forearms resting on the bar.

"Kurosaki-san, I've never cheated...on my wife before...ever." He mumbles turning his head to face me. "But I want to now. It is my mission. You have no idea how much I want to."

I raise my ice cold bottle and touched it near my head as I look at Dr. Bucket Hat beside me, my brows stitched in a frown. He looks at me then, all animated as he kept on convincing himself more than what he was thinking was what he really needed. "Sometimes it's right to do the wrong thing. And now is one of those times."

I look away and took another swig. This shit is way over my head. I'm a kid for fuck's sake.

"But we need to fix ourselves first." He's smiling even wider now. A predatory panda.

"You need fixin'?" I look back at him then half challenging, half incredulous.

"Kurosaki-san, I need a whole lot of fixin'." He looks me right in the eyes as he said it and it makes me smile because in all of the admissions we'd let out tonight this was the most undeniably real.

. . .

The door bangs open and three people comes in. One of them is strawberry pig tailed girl from the park dancing to the beat of tribal drums. One of my long-time customer: Riruka.

"Ichigo! I'm so glad you're here. We came to check out all the weird old people." She throws her arms around my neck but ended up unceremoniously pressed on my chest. She giggles a little bit as she finished talking, Dr. Bucket Hat force-laughed along. I look at him sharply with narrowed eyes. If I didn't know better he's set his sights on this tiny thing pasted on me like a vest.

"Oh, wait." She disentangles herself from me and went to follow the friends she came in with. Dr. Bucket Hat quickly takes off his wedding band and I quickly leaned forward to hiss to him, "Don't even think about it!"

"Is this the mystery girl?" He asks all innocence. Flashing that fucking watery panda eyes.

"No. But that doesn't mean she's fair game." I stick to my guns, being the sane one with a semi-buzzed state of mind.

Before I could get another warning in or even contemplate if I have to physically restrain him, she comes back dragging a guy in a tuxedo along his lapels that looked like he was about ready to topple off his feet and face plant on the linoleum.

"So where's that guy...you know from the park the other day?"

"Oh, Shinji?" She waves her hand dismissively as if to say he wasn't anything serious and leaned on my shoulder. With the way she's looking at this new one he doesn't seem to be holding her interest any more than the rest of the guys who went before him.

Dr. Bucket Hat turns to the tuxedo guy who was swaying like a pendulum even as he tried to steady himself by leaning back on the bar, and introduced himself with a canary eating smile. "Hi, I'm Haydn."

"Like the classical guy?" Riruka disentangles herself from me as she points a finger at Dr. Bucket Hat and unconsciously moving closer to him with rapt attention.

"I was named after him."

I stare in incredulous shock at Dr. Bucket Hat who was milking the reference and the fact that it hit home all it's worth.

"That is so awesome..." She played with the strings of my hoodie as they stared at each other right in front of me. "Do you like the Grateful Dead?"

"Followed them for four years after college." As he said it their faces were so near and Riruka was almost more than ready to become _his_ vest but just then tuxedo guy finally decides it was time to let out the contents of his insides onto the linoleum disrupting their little moment.

. . .

We got seated in one of the booths while tuxedo guy falls asleep on my shoulder snoring loudly. I am sitting right across the two as they flirted in half-drunk-everything-is-fucking-funny-to-me momentum. They were talking about the Grateful Dead's concert-or rather Dr. Bucket Hat was recounting his experience when acid finally kicked in just as the next set starts off and how totally amazing it felt. They kept repeating it like shadow puppets of the LSD era, hands waving in the air. _Amazing_!...

I go to the bathroom for a second and when I get back the booth is empty and tuxedo guy is sprawled on the fake leather seat with his mouth open and snoring even louder. I scan the room and found the phone booth occupied and slightly foggy with all the heavy make-out sounds oozing from the half opened sliding panel. I clear my throat and Dr. Bucket Hat pulls back to look at me in half dazed stupor while the girl just kept at it. They said something about the 4 minute game which was actually a 3 minute game and then the bartender comes over to break the party up before I could offer much of a sympathetic shake of my head. In barely 2 minutes we were all ushered out of the premises and back into the night.

We walked around aimless to the heart of the city from the back alley way we just came from. It was noisy, the usual night noises. Sirens, late-night karaoke bars, midnight love motels, neon lights advertising the soap lands and just the humdrum of the night life surrounding us, wrapping us with its constricting smoke filled embrace.

"Look around you, Kurosaki-san. Is this what you want for your mind? For your life? You want it to be like this city? Sweep all the nasty bits under the rug, make everything okay." Dr. Bucket Hat was out on an early roll as he spewed out gospel-like litany for me to hear and say: _Praise be ye faith!_ And just go on my merry way to enlightenment and the joy of well-being.

He was just preparing another sermon point when he spots a space cadet with a cardboard sign that says: **Needs money for alcohol research**. "Look at the homeless. They're mentally sick." He says as he gives the guy a few folded bills. "They're being put in prison. What do you think about that, Kurosaki-san?" His voice is getting even more heated as we walk more.

"I think that's not right." I answer cause I do believe that it isn't right.

"That's why I don't want to put you on medication cause you might as well open up a Starbucks in your brain, you follow me?" He looks at me waiting for my answer and I nod quickly cause he looks like he's not quite done yet.

"Don't jump for the quick fix, Kurosaki-san. Embrace your pain; make it a part of you. You don't want to be like them. I don't want you to be like them." He's still going on all heated and emphatic like.

"So what, you've never taken any of that stuff?" I was damn curious.

"Jesus, Kurosaki-san. I'm on _all_ of it. I don't want to be like me either." He glances right at me. "Sex is a drug too you know. More powerful than any synthetic pharmaceutical." He says with wide knowing panda eyes.

"Yeah? Is that why you go around trying to fuck little girls?" We turn the corner and into a building with ceiling to floor glass walls.

"That was just second base." He replied defensively.

"Second base, huh. What happened to getting fixed first?"

"Sometimes getting laid is getting fixed. You know? Now break out that blunt."

"This is a spliff."

"Spliff...I know that."

I break out a spliff and a broad black marker. I deface the window as Dr. Bucket Hat tries to light up but his fancy lighter wouldn't catch.

"Why'd you do that, Kurosaki-san?" He pauses in lighting up and looks up at my handwriting.

"Why I tagged this wall? Just kind of putting my stamp on it you know? Fucking let people know I was here." I tell him to clarify the why of my action.

"It's illegal isn't it." He says it like the statement that it is.

I give a curt nod. "It is."

"May I?"

"You may. Just be careful." I hand him the marker and he hands me the spliff back. I light up and managed to do it just as he was signing 'M.D.' over his full name: Urahara Kisuke, M.D. and giggling like a school boy on acid.

I glance over at what he was writing and nearly choked on newly inhaled smoke. "Excellent penmanship, Dr. Bucket Hat."

"Why thank you." He replies in that annoying warbly drawl.

"Oh no, I thank you." I add with a twitchy grin that was partly a smirk.

"No, no. I thank you." Dr. Bucket Hat does an excellent mock bow, while trying to doth his cap with a flourish.

"Oh, you're welcome."

We were way too busy checking out our penmanship and cracking up at the huge M.D. and smoking away, sharing the spliff when two cops suddenly came up the side stairs and saw us.

"Hey, you two!"

"Oh, Fuck!" I almost dropped the marker as I saw the two cops coming towards us with comical frowns on their faces as though they're trying to make out the scene playing before them. One high school kid and an adult man who was smoking a spliff in a misleading sort of happy ignorance.

"I'd stop right there!"

Dr. Bucket Hat adjusted his sneakers and said some kind of philosophical shit or something that barely registered in my current state of panic and shock. Everything was becoming this surreal blur. I just asked him what he was talking about when with a dark chuckle he took off right into the waiting arms of the two police officers who were hurrying over to where we were.

. . .

I didn't feel badass at all being behind bars. Especially being behind bars with my half-old man therapist who was making a damn fool of himself by suggesting we all start some fucking dumb revolution while we were all inside the fucking cell.

Maybe his high was coming on or maybe he needs all his medication at one go so that he'll shut up and leave the rest of us feeling the sure suffering about to be layered on thick and hard.

We've been up all night, side by side with the pimps, the illegal drag queens, the late night homicide incident got busted and it really weighs you down even after Urahara-san has quiet down some.

At five minutes to seven a.m. an officer with a clipboard comes in and calls out my name and a couple of seconds later he calls Dr. Bucket Hat's name too saying we'd made bail.

When we were finally allowed out I saw Rukia standing on the other side of the door. She gave us a wave as we stood before the glass pane waiting to be buzzed outta the room.

"Hey, Rukia..." I greet her with a peevish smile.

"Ichigo...Thanks a lot for having him thrown in prison. You're a really great influence on him." She berated me the moment I stepped outside to stand beside Dr. Bucket Hat.

"But it wasn't my fault."

"I know. I was kidding. Anyway, what are you doing today?"

"Kurosaki-san is busy." Dr. Bucket Hat answered at once on my behalf before I even had time to process that Rukia was thinking of hanging out with me. I even forget that we're standing not two feet from the jail cell I just spent an entire night in. And that she was the one who paid bail for both of us.

"No, I'm not." I correct him hurriedly without taking my eyes off Rukia.

"Yes, you are." Dr. Bucket Hat insists from the corner of his mouth which he directed more to me than to Rukia who merely looked like she did not hear a thing he was saying at the moment.

"All right. Look, Urahara-san why don't you take the car back to the garage and I won't tell Yoruichi-san about this whole prison thing and Ichigo's coming with me." She was full on smiling now as she glanced at me, indigo eyes twinkling with mischief.

. . .

Kisuke comes into their bedroom and finds Yoruichi doing aerobics while following a segment on TV. He sits on the edge of the bed and faces her as she goes through the moves of the exercise.

"Hey." He throws out but only got the music from the aerobics for answer.

"Don't you want to know where I was last night?"

"Do you want to tell me?" She replied between rapid exhales.

"I was having an affair." He says experimentally.

"Good for you." Yoruichi replies automatically without missing a move.

He tries telling the truth anyway seeing as she's way too preoccupied at the moment to even pay attention to what he was telling her. "I went to prison. I was in jail last night."

"That's...that's nice, Kisuke." She says trying to breathe properly while keeping-up with the instructor on TV.

"I'm taking a nap." He falls back on the bed as the dance music blasts on the speakers and the inattentive interest of his wife makes for a perfect lullaby.

* * *

**Thanks for reading! And if you've been waiting for this update thanks for sticking with the story. :)  
**

**Let me know what you guys think of this chap. :)**

**Until next time. I think there's only a couple more chaps left until the end.  
**

**Much Love,**

**K.  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hiya! :P**

**Yes, you saw that right my friends...**

**I have indeed changed my pen name! wee~! :D**

**I am now Pierrot at your service. **

**hehehe...**

**And yay! update!**

**Thank you to all of you who've enjoyed this fanfictionalization**

**and have been following the story until now. :)**

**I've only got another chap left to post for this story**

**so yeah. I don't know why but that really makes me happy!**

**I'm kinda finishing a story for the first fucking time! yeaaahhhh!**

**Well anyway...I've really enjoyed writing this. This was**

**one of the best trip I ever had in the literary sense. :P**

**Enjoy and thanks for the review, faves and alerts. **

**Be seeing you all... :**

* * *

**Disclaimer: Kubo Tite (you dork!) owns Bleach (tm) I'm only using his**

**characters for entertainment purposes and I am making no money **

**from this at all. :D**

* * *

**The Whackness f.f. ver. 1.4**

Back in the streets Rukia and I walked side by side while she smoked and I relished the fact that our tempo matched. "So what's the deal with you and Urahara-san? Are you guys like gay together?" I have to grin at her sense of humor. With a non-committal shrug I say the only thing I would never admit in front of that half-old man. "We're friends, I guess."

"Weird." She says almost wonderingly and totally unsure where to place that information.

"Not really." I pause just a little bit. "He's very immature."

"I know. He and Yoruichi-san fight about it all the time."

"So what's your deal with both him and Yoruichi-san? Are you really not related at all?..." I sneak a peek at her expression. She wasn't smiling, only thoughtful as she took a long drag off her cigarette.

"We are not related at all." She glances at me with a short smile then faces front again. "I was entrusted to Yoruichi-san's care for the summer...she and my brother go way back. So I'm stuck with those two fools." She says it with an almost fondness but maybe she's just morbidly amused.

I decided not to ask.

We walked in silence for a bit until we reached the river bank. She headed straight for it and I followed suit, parking my cart near the stairs descending to the sandy bank. We settled down near the edge of the water and I lit a spliff which we shared.

The sound of the flowing water was relaxing and the buzz was coming on. If I said I wasn't nervous right now that would be complete bullshit. Rukia was sitting so close to me our sides were touching. I could feel the heat coming off of her skin and the sweat on her bare arm.

"What are you staring at?"

Rukia's voice jolts me from some blank place I must've gone to. She was looking at me like I was some crazy, stoned weirdo. Which I feel must be true as I gaze at her with half-lidded eyes and a slightly parted mouth.

"I'm looking for my reflection."

"Yeah, you're not gonna find it in there." She said with a grin.

"No shit. The water's dirty." I break out in a grin and Rukia actually laughs softly.

"So, how come we never hung out in school?" She asks after she took a careful drag.

"Cause I was a loser. I mean not like a _loser_ loser you know. I was definitely the most popular of the unpopular."

"Or maybe the most unpopular of the popular." She suggests with a shrug.

"Maybe." I glance at her, looking her right in the eyes. "Anyway...you're completely outta my league."

She laughs again and looks away with a small shake of her head.

"You want a beer?"

She looks back at me with a really pretty smile. "Yeah."

I head back to my cart and pulled out two bottles in brown paper bags. I turn up the music a little more before heading back. I handed one to Rukia who was grinning in surprise. "Very handy." She twists the cap off and takes a swig. "Who is this?" She asks when a new song came on.

"311. Just came out."

"You should make me a mix some time. Put this on it." She's looking at me with that same pretty smile that clearly says she's having a good time.

"Definitely." I smile back, liking the way she's looking.

I light another spliff and we share it again. I couldn't help but keep glancing at her. She gives me a sideway glance; smoke issuing out of her nostrils. Our eyes kept meeting before we both look quickly away. She smiles and I smile back and I go for it. Our lips make contact but before I could do anything more she pulls away from me.

"What are you doing?"

I freeze. "Nothing."

She laughs again with that pretty smile.

"Did it feel good?" I was smiling my insecure smile.

"Let's try it again." Her smile widens just a little bit.

I lean in again and this time she leans in too. But just like before it only lasted a second as she pulled away with another little laugh. "Weird." She muttered but her pretty smile never left her lips, the lips I am staring at and wanting to go back to. And to my surprise she was the one who leaned in first this time. And this time it lasted far longer than a second.

. . .

We kept kissing outside of her building near the bushes by the door. When she turned to go she smiled that pretty smile again as she waved at me. "Alright. Bye."

"Okay." I watch her go in, feeling the smile slicing my head open from side to side. I used to feel that hurt but now I don't even notice. I don't even remember that I don't even really smile.

Love is fucking smelling the roses and all that googly-eyed shit that never used to matter cause I didn't know how _good_ it felt. Now even being steeped in my lonesome quiet was a new experience. My apartment didn't seem so shadowed and being home by myself wasn't such a bad thing after all. Cause then I had all the time to keep rewinding to early this evening when my lips were all over Kuchiki Rukia's.

...

Rukia reclined on the sofa, balancing a bowl of ice cream and scooping spoonful one after the other into her mouth while holding aloft a cigarette in her other hand. The glow from the TV was the only illumination aside from the dim hallway light suddenly eclipsed by Urahara's shadowed figure with a drink in one hand and a spliff on the other.

"You're up late." He said in greeting as he approached the sofa.

"Oh, hey. So are you." Rukia went on scooping ice cream.

"Did you have a nice day with Kurosaki-san?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." He looks down at his spliff for a second before looking back at her. "Do you like him?"

She turns her head with a little frown. "I don't know."

"Do you like _like_ him?" He repeats the question a little more insistently than was necessary.

"Maybe…Yeah." She gave a shrug and a start of a smile as she returned his even gaze.

"He's a drug dealer."

"Yeah, I know. Thank you." She took a drag and frowned again. "Look...I'm not really in an Uncle-Niece moment right now. And I do not wish to be examined with a bowl of ice cream on my lap."

"Well...may I watch TV with you?"

Rukia shrugged and took another drag off her cigarette, "Whatever."

"Cool." Urahara settled down on the sofa and placed his drink on the coffee table and lit up.

...

Maybe the heat has finally addled my brains. Because that's all I can think of as to why I had opened my mouth the moment I sat down across Dr. Bucket Hat and then the words started spilling out.

"So I've been dealing a lot more..."

"Uh-hm..."

He's looking at me real closely, a tiny dot on his forehead and his panda eyes less shadowed.

"I feel a lot of pressure lately..." _Like should I even go to college and finish at all._ Life keeps putting his fist on my gut and I haven't even gotten over the first beat up. Scar tissue is still pink in all the wrong places, sore beneath the numb.

"...totally wrong for each other..."

My train of thought comes to a stop as his words reached my ears. "Huh?"

"I want you to stop seeing, Rukia. She's not for you."

I blink twice and lean back in surprise. "What's so bad about me?"

"She'll break your heart, Kurosaki-san. She's just bored." He says all this with a straight face, his serious face; the one that I never usually see. But I didn't want to believe him.

"That's not true." I shake my head and lick my lips in an annoying gesture of anxiety.

"Fine. Ignore my advice." He looks at me even more closely without moving an inch. "What? You think she's hot? You wanna fuck her. Next thing you know you wasted your life with a girl you got nothing in common with, Kurosaki-san."

"Actually I was just trying to listen to your advice, Dr. Bucket Hat." I look at him with accusation and disbelief. "Remember _living_?" I couldn't believe and I would not believe. "And who said anything about my entire life?"

"This is it, Kurosaki-san. This is your life. The choices you make." He pauses a moment. "And I guess you've chosen to be a hoodlum drug dealer...latches onto the first girl that pays attention to him simply because he's afraid of being alone."

"And what about you?" I grimace despite my taut facial muscles, grinding out the words. "Telling me not to take medication. You don't want a Starbucks inside my brain fucking metaphor. What the fuck was that?" I was growing more and angrier the more I look at that calm face. "You said it yourself. You're on half that shit! You're a fucking hypocrite."

I watch him look away out to the open window but I wasn't done cause the words were piling on top of the other in my head with the speed of a runaway train. "Why are you hanging with me anyway? Don't you have friends your own age? Don't you feel like some old idiot reliving their high school years cause you fucked them up the first time?"

He looks at me with a steady yet dazed expression. "I believe our time is up." He looks out the window again as if trying to regain his balance. "This is a short one so I'll just charge you a dime bag."

I throw the bag on the table and almost hesitated on leaving the mix tape I made the other night when I was feeling the love. I place it on the edge of the table, pushing it farther as I rasped out, "I made this for you." I didn't bother looking at him as I head for the door and slammed it shut behind me.

...

After making another drink for himself, Urahara put in the mix tape Ichigo left for him and pushed play. The music starts with the scratching of a turn table and the bass line pounding on the speakers. He takes a long drag off his spliff and relaxed more on the lawn chair smiling contentedly to himself. Because earlier today, the moment he got home he went straight to the bathroom and opened his medicine cabinet. Setting down the yellow and orange bottle like little toy soldiers on the edge of the sink, he emptied them all on the toilet put down the cover, sat on it and flushed all them tiny pink, blue and yellow pills down, down.

...

The next day wore on and on. Ichigo didn't come back for another session. Urahara listened with practiced attentiveness to all the other patients who regularly unloaded all their crap in the quarter hour slot given them and still manage to have more coming till the next appointment. He was jaded and tired. Always checking the time on his wrist and waiting for the next patient until the next patient either cancels or have made other arrangements. Like not show up for another session _ever_. Like his four o'clock. After that it didn't do for him to dawdle in his office so he went home.

...

Yoruichi strolled in their bedroom daintily smoking a cigarette and leaned on the door frame, exhaling smoke. "You're home early."

Urahara glanced at his wife with a soft smile and glanced moodily back down his tea. "My patient cancelled. Actually he committed suicide yesterday."

"Oh." She went on smoking, her eyebrows rising in surprise.

"Anyway...Yoruichi-san, do you think I'm a weird old guy?" He asked as he glanced up at her.

"Yes." She replied without hesitation with an affectionate smile.

"You do." He mutters softly as she nodded and went to sit by him on the cushions.

"You don't love me anymore do you? I mean...I don't blame you. I'm a mess."

She glanced at him. "...always been a mess."

"But we were a mess together. We were a beautiful mess."

"Are you taking your pills?" She narrowed her eyes a bit as she looked at him.

He shakes his head and picked up his tea cup, letting the steam cover his eyes for a moment. "I don't need pills. Not those pills anyway."

Yoruichi nodded and took another drag off her cigarette.

"What if we went somewhere? Go out of the city for a while. Would you like that?"

"Yeah. Might be fun." She gave a slight nod of agreement as she took another drag.

"Second honeymoon?"

"Never had a first one, Kisuke."

He smiled the same moment she did too. "Right."

...

"So what are you doing this weekend?" Rukia asked as they walked side by side through the park with Ichigo pushing his cart.

"Nothing."

"Good. Yoruichi-san and Urahara are going to Barbados or something. Our beach house is free this time of year. So I was wondering if you want to join me..."

"Like a date?"

She grins. "More like a honeymoon." She glances at me as she took a drag off her cigarette.

"What do I do?"

"You know what people do on honeymoons right?"

"Uh...I think so..."

...

They took the ferry and Rukia stood next to the railing shivering in her dress and being the gentleman that I would like to think I am, gave her my jacket. She was almost swallowed within it as I put it over her tiny frame. She laughed softly as she slipped her arms through the huge sleeves and watched as her tiny hands popped out of the holes.

The moment we got to the beach house I was even more made aware of what kind of family she belonged to. I knew that her family was rich but that information was even more intimidating up close.

We walked into the foyer and Rukia quickly turned on the lights as we head to the living room. Rukia went straight to the kitchen and I can hear the clinking of glass and ice. "Do you want some red wine?" Rukia called from the kitchen as she rummaged through the cabinets for glasses. I can hear them tinkling against each other.

"Do you have something stronger than that?" I asked as I lowered my bag to the floor and looked around the living room.

"Lucky you my brother always have a full stock of spirits for visiting VIPs. Whiskey?" She reached for a glass bottle and unstopped the crystal cap.

"Yeah, I'll try. Do you have anything to mix it with?" I asked as I plopped next to the cassette player and put in a new mix tape I just finished the other day. "Yo, I made this for you." I pushed play and called out to her as the music started.

"We have some juice boxes." She was smiling her pretty smile as she handed me my drink and sat down beside me on the sofa.

…

It must be my seventh or maybe ninth glass. I've lost count when we decided to pack it all up and have a swim. The moon was bright tonight and enveloped everything with this surreal glow. Rukia seem to glisten with droplets of water clinging to her bare skin as she sat on the sand beside me and smoked a spliff. She had changed into a navy blue bikini and the dark material contrasted with her milky complexion. She looked completely relaxed and I felt light headed and very chatty.

"May I ask you something?" I watched her exhale smoke into the air with her head slightly tilted back.

"Uh-oh..." She turned to face me, looking up at me with earnest curiosity and a bemused smile.

"What's going on here?"

"What do you mean?" Her eyes go soft for a moment before she tips her head slightly to the side as if to better look at me.

"I just...I've never been in this situation before."

"And what situation is that?" She was smiling as she leaned back more.

"Chillin'..." I can't help but look at her lips and lean a little bit closer. "With a girl who likes me, who I like..." She smiles and turns away before she stood up and began walking towards the water again exhaling noisily.

"I mean...I'm just wondering, you know." I called after her retreating figure. "What happens...what happens when everybody comes back?"

Rukia turns to look at me with a puzzled look on her face. "What do you mean? Like do I turn into a pumpkin?"

"Basically, yeah." I took a drag off the spliff we were sharing.

She gives a non-committal shrug. "I don't know." She waded into the water. "It doesn't matter."

"Doesn't matter? Why not?" I got up and followed her.

"Because how could anything possibly matter right now?"

I reach her and we both wade in ankle deep with me still holding onto the spliff.

"You know what your problem is, Ichigo? You have this really shitty way of looking at things. I don't have that problem I just look at the dopeness. But you it's like you just look at the whackness."

"I do?" I come closer to her.

"Yeah. Well all you got to do is look at me..." She laughs.

"Alright."

"And kiss me..."

"Kiss you."

I leaned in and she throws her arms over my neck to pull me close to her right before she pushed me towards the water, her laughter ringing amidst the sound of the waves.

...

My head bumped on the headboard as Rukia pushed me down the bed without disentangling herself from our embrace. Her kisses grew more and more insistent as her small hands wandered freely over my body. Breathing became shallow and heavy as the heat built between us.

"Get these off." She said as she tugged on my short and pushed off my chest and proceeded to slip out of her bikini. And then she was on top of me and moving her hips that made my stomach clench for the briefest moment and then it was all over. Like nothing happened.

"You're not really hard..." She muttered as I went limp beneath her. "No way..." She lets out a short laugh and looked at me with wide amused eyes.

"Shit..." I could not believe what just happened.

She patted me on the shoulder as she got off the bed and rummaged through her things to change. "Come on big boy." She was smirking as she glanced at me over her shoulder as she dressed. "Let's get you something warm to drink..."

Maybe it was the fact that I have ceased to exist in the seconds after that as I found myself being dragged out to the hallway and seated at the sofa with an afghan over my lap as she bustled about the kitchen to make coffee. But when she returned with two steaming mugs and took the space beside me, curling her legs beside her I still don't know what happened. I never had that problem before.

"You know, Rukia...I'm not trying to be a bitch or anything. But I kinda never had sex before..."

The look of surprise on her face was instantaneous as she gave me an appreciative once over. "You're a virgin?"

"No. I just never officially had sex." I denied vehemently and took a sip from my coffee cup.

"Okay." She smiles her pretty little smile again.

"That's why I'm nervous, you know." I gave a shrug. "That's why the thing with my dick."

"Don't worry about it. It's okay." She settles more on the sofa cradling her mug with both hands. "I've done it like a hundred times. I can teach you."

I can't help the smile that broke into my face. "I'm down."

She grins in turn. "You sober yet?"

"Probably." I hazard a peek beneath the blanket.

"Okay. I think it's time for our first lesson." Rukia rose to her feet and I nearly spilled coffee all over my shirt as I shot to my feet to follow her back to the bedroom. My heart hammering, palms getting cold and a little shaky.

...

Paradise; definitely because of the flowers and the miniature palm trees and the humid heat and of course the sound of the ocean and the fact that they were staying inside their room with the drapes closed even though it was perfectly nice outside. But Yoruichi was still wearing a wide brimmed straw hat as she smoked a cigarette.

They were on the bed, lying on their stomachs drinking champagne straight out of the bottle.

"We haven't stayed up all night in ten years." Urahara mused as he passed the bottle to Yoruichi who was choking on newly inhaled cigarette smoke.

"Yeah, we did." She laughed softly.

"We did?" Urahara asked as he patted her back.

"Yeah, we did." She paused, staring at the cigarette in her hand. "New Year's Eve. Four years ago. Remember that coke we found that we hid from the 80's? And...we did it. We fucked like little bunny rabbits on the balcony." She took a drag from her cigarette, sniffing a little bit.

"I do. I do. I do remember that." He paused for a moment as he rolled a little closer to her, peering up from beneath the rim of her straw hat. "What happened to us, Yoruichi-san?"

Yoruichi gripped the neck of the champagne bottle and took another drag. "You're kidding right?"

"Right." Urahara said hurriedly. "I'm kidding." He muttered and nuzzled against her neck while she wrapped an arm around his shoulder and put out her cigarette.

...

It was early, early morning and the sun was barely up across the horizon but we're leaving in a few hours so we went down the beach for one last swim. Rukia was in her two piece braving the waves and the slight chill in the wind. I sat ways away near the grassy slope that led to the path back to the house just watching her dive and bob back up the surface.

"I love you." Smiling stupidly to myself, I just sat there idly confessing to the empty air. "I love you, Rukia." I could feel the grin spreading on my lips. "I wanna like listen to Boyz II Men when I'm with you."

...

I was lathering on some shampoo with the shower on when another pair of hands started massaging my back with the suds running down from my hair.

"Surprise…" Rukia laughs a little and stepped under the shower to rinse her soapy hands then turned to face me with her head angled for a kiss.

I leaned in towards her and she meets me halfway as her arms circled around my shoulder and neck. With one single motion I scooped her up and pressed her against the partition and pressed one hand against it as I lifted her up, gripping her tight ass as I moved in. She gave a quick gasp as she tightened her hold over my shoulder.

She whispered little moans of pleasure next to my ear as my own breathing hitched more and more as hers. She leaned against my neck, her warm breath tickling my damp skin as I urged her further until she was breathing so hard she was almost gasping.

I nuzzled my nose against her neck and gave her a little hug before she drew away from me with a wide smile on her face. Maybe it was just the high I felt in the fifth minute or maybe it was that glowing smile I was seeing before me that the emotion bottled up inside me for the longest time turned into words and just spilled out of my mouth.

"I love you."

Rukia laughs a bit and grinned. "Whoa, dude."

But when I just kept staring at her, her grin slips and her brows furrowed before she left me still standing wet under the shower feeling idiotically exposed and numbly vulnerable.

…

We didn't speak all the way back to the city. I had my headphones on and Rukia was flipping over a magazine she bought at the train station newsstand. I didn't want to look at her so I turned my gaze out to the speeding sights as the train zipped past farms and mountains.

But all I kept thinking was: How stupid I was.

…

It was beyond awkward when we arrived at our stop. Rukia kept going for the same direction I was aiming for with our arms out to our sides. I stop for a moment and let her do the awkward hugging thing.

"Okay." She smiles a short, odd smile in my direction without really meeting my eyes.

"Alright, bye." She does a little wave and I nod at her before she finally walks away.

…

Urahara kept glancing at his wife who was painstakingly avoiding looking at him even through the window of the cab. Yet he couldn't resist the urge to reach for her hand and hold it in his just for a moment. It was a reassurance she always found in him. Very slowly Yoruichi turned her head to face him, a ghost of a smile on her drawn face.

Back in their bedroom, Yoruichi lit another cigarette and adjusted the blanket over her lap just as Urahara entered the room carrying a glass of bourbon and an aspirin which he handed out to her gently.

"Thanks." She perched her cigarette over the ashtray and swallowed the aspirin and swallowed a mouthful of her drink.

Urahara sat on the edge of his side of the bed, facing the wall. Clasping his hands as though he was praying, he took a deep breath before saying, "I want a divorce." After a while he turned his head to face her sad smile of understanding. They stayed that way for a moment until Rukia knocked softly and peeked in with a smile.

"Hey, just want to let you know I'm back." She gave them a little awkward wave.

"How was your weekend?" Yoruichi asked in a raspy voice as she took another drag off her cigarette.

"Good. It was nice."

"You have a nice tan." Urahara said.

"Yeah?" Rukia grinned and said goodnight before she went to the guest bedroom she had been occupying this summer leaving the two gazing at the spot she was standing on, both echoing her words in not more than a whisper.

…

My apartment was dark and stuffy. I didn't bother to turn on the lights as I made my way to the sofa, letting my bag slip to the floor I face plant over its soft comfort. A beeping noise from my coffee table broke the utter silence but I didn't even notice as I lay there, breathing musty air motes and unwilling to even get up to light a spliff because it won't really make a difference. Not right now.

Because right now there was absolutely nothing I could do to make me feel the numb I was so used to before she came along.

* * *

**Thanks for reading!  
**

**So what do you think of this chap? :)**

**I'm still working on the last chap and it might take some time cause I'm feelin' the troll-flu on the tip of my typing fingers...kidding! I am almost done with the last chap just trying to make some sense of all the words I randomly typed to make it. hehe...**

**Much Love,**

**K.**


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